| He spends his time day dreaming, why should he bother? | Show me a mistress that is passing fair, where i may read who passed that passing fair. she is too fair, too wisely too fair. It must be unfair to be passed at the fair. ‘cuz fairs, they don’t care whose passing them rarely. Even the fair will pass rarely but barely. My love is fair, stripped bare, cooked rare, but, fair cupid steals my bliss, so i despair. |
| i need to find help from someone who can read ’em | ‘cuz fairs, they don’t care whose passing them rarely. Even the fair will pass rarely but barely. My love is fair, stripped bare, cooked rare, but, fair cupid steals my bliss so i despair. |
| Or, if you don’t will you please shut up? | Benvolio, it is so rare to forebear |
| ‘cuz i’ve got this list here, and i just can’t read it. To find a strong reader is what I’ve been hoping… | I’ll read it to you, it will keep me from moping. these folks can come to Capitulate’s party: smarty martino and his boy named arty, bronco buck billy and buck bill buff, and lady mcdinky, mcducky, macduff, sonny’s son daily and his pal ball, jon jimmy jack jamerson, from katmandu, mercutio and winnifred winnie waters, old uncle perk and his ninety-six daughters, dave from topeka, and lady von rybald, rosaline, valentine, livia, tybalt, anyone named gordie or tim or melissa, can come to this bash, if you can’t then we’ll miss ya. This party sounds great. |
| Romeo we’ve got to go crash this wingding. theres sure to be beauties to make even you sing. | This party will never cure my broken heart, but, i’ll go along with you to take your part. |
| Yes gentle romeo we must see you dance | My heart is too heavy. there isn’t a chance |
| Wait! That can’t be right! or is it! tarnation! blast this infernal recapitulation! | Ei-hotchee-mama, Growl, Whoo! Hubba-Hubba! That girl is a babe or my name is dumb bubba |
| i know not to kill him must fill you with sorrow, but look on the bright side theres always tomorrow | Please don’t think I’m forward but i think you’re hot |
| i can’t see his face is it worth it or not? | I have twelve billion sixty-two million and sixty hormones and all of them want you to kiss me |
| Hey you’re kinda cute okay, here, hold my gum first. Its raspberry, lima bean, sneezle fruit, bratwurst. | Wow Hey you’re right, that is good tasting gum. |
| You’re mother would like a few words with you, hon | Who is her mom, if i may be so bold? quickly, please tell me before i get old |
| Juliet is her name and she is the fairest. but don’t get any ideas. she’s marrying paris | She’s a capitulate what rotten luck |
| Whats his name? | There are those who call me romeo |
| My friend, no offense, but you need a new head | Coming back to this place may seem capricious, but i just can’t help myself she’s so gorge-o-licious |
| testing one two check check. is this thing even on? | She talks to herself through her self-speaking horn. no thing is more useful to speak private stuff to, it makes it all louder so that others can know too. |
| I might get grounded for three or more hours, so if theres a name to dump lets make it yours | Oh, Juliet, you’re a pearl of great price. you’re like two pearls only much, much more nice. you might be like three pearls shiny and rare, but four pearls, i think id be pushing it there. |
| who is that? Romeo is that you | Yes, it is i, Romeo that is true. I heard your whole self speaking speech, through your horn, and i love you my love just as sure as you’re born. |
| lets find the preacher | lets get hitched tomorrow. enough of this fighting |
| this feuding | this sorrow. kiss me once more and send my lips to heaven |
| i can’t anymore tonight, its past eleven | well it couldn’t hurt if we kissed through the horn, then we’ll elope when the sun lights the morn |
| He’s just a monk, he’s the monkiest one that romeo knew and could get the job done | Oh good monk lary, I’m glad that you’re here |
| you sure are a chipper, last time i saw yous, you were blubbering, moping, and singing the blues, | that was the old me, i’m new and improved. i’m a hip hoppin, happenin, cool righteous dude |
| How can i help you my dude filled with glee | I need your consent monk, will you marry me |
| I live all alone and i’m wearing a habit | No, No, theres a girl that I’ve met as of late, she is the daughter of capitulate. our love is true. |
| …our love is true. Are you sure? | yes indeed. one hundred and ninety percent guaranteed |
| Hey romy, what gives? You didn’t go back to the place where you live. | theres an optometrist whose name is cupid, he’s opened my eyes and made me less stupid. I met a new girl, she’s the best of the best. She passed the romeo hot mama test |
| Heeeeey! | Yippy-yeeeeeaaa |
| Wow she’s a babe alright look at those curls | what! are you mental? thats not the new girl. |
| why do you deserve miss capitulate | i make a great milkshake, all my friends say so, |
| thats good enough for me so where should we meet you | we’ll meet at monk lary’s place later today, he’ll marry us there and then we’ll say hurray |
| so romeo went back to Monk Larys house. Not a creature was stirring not even a…. | a mouse! |
| He lives in my sleeve, with this lint eating rabbit. both of them eat clean my stinky bad habit | I’m just so nervous my stomachs a wreck, where could they be |
| Just a sec.` i’ll go check | i do not like his stinky clothes, i do not like his shnosel nose, i do not like them near or far, i do not like them in a car, i do not like them in a tunnel, i could not push them through a funnel, i only love the girl i met, here she comes. hey juliet |
| so don’t light a match | no i won’t, i vow |
| so where is the monk | aw for crying out loud |
| well i couldn’t find juliet anywhere. hey, this girl looks good how ’bout you marry her | this is juliet you knucklehead monk |
| so big deal whats it to you | hold on there fellas. this isnt the way. tybalt we’re practically kin, i’ll explain |
| his name starts with “R” and rhymes with omeo | hey guys quit fighting, ‘cuz thats just as bad, as putting chameleons on top of plaid. |
| I am the victor of this lame buffoon | Mercutio! |
| Mercutio! Romeo! | Friend are you dying |
| no i am feeling fine…and i am lying | let me pull this bumballoon from your breast |
| please id prefer if you call it my chest | chest breast whatever. yoiks! this thing wont budge |
| prepare to die romeo! I hold a grudge | sheesh this stuck bumballoons really a pain |
| with my own bumballoon i am slain | what in the world! crap! how did this happen |
| Romeo run! or you’re a sitting duck! | Oh i am a fortunes fool and the plaything of luck |
| But romeo missed it because ‘cuz his PC crashed. he never learned Juliet was faking disaster | Shucks! now i cant play double sneech blaster |
| Romeo wake up and hear what i say. Juliet is dead and her funerals today | Juliet, Juliet that name draws a blank help me out here does she work at the bank? |
| Juliet she is your own hearts delight. You married her yesterday she is your wife! | ooohh! thats juliet. yeah that name rings a bell now what was the message you wanted to tell |
| Juliets dead! | Are you kidding me |
| Are you kidding me? No! | How did she die? |
| How did she die? nobody knows. | It must have been her broken heart that went crack. i’ll kiss her one last time. I must go back! then i’ll consume this authentic death cracker. it’ll take me quickly out of the picture. don’t try and stop me it must be this way. without juliet i shan’t see one more day. My ears are deaf to your protestations. my mind is made up to have life deprevation. there is nothing benvolio that you can do to keep me from dying i will follow through. dont make a scene now i’ve told you my notion i am a train and my wheels are in motion. off to verona i go with my life to lay it before the corps of my wife. |
| Hey! there’s snacks in the lobby | Juliet honey to get here i ran. i tripped on a grave stone and fell on my can. i came here to give your lips just one more kiss and then when im done im gonna eat this. it isnt fair that i live when youre dead so im gonna trade my life for death instead. here comes the kiss so pucker up sister. Yippee Yahoo youre still a great kisser. that was phase one now here comes phase two i’ll eat this cracker then i’ll be dead too. |
| so they all partook of a giant group hug | Group hug! |
| ‘cuz we’ve all enjoyed it | one hundred percent |
The Seussification of Romeo and Juliet: Romeo’s lines
November 23, 2019